{"title":"Halloween POD","description":"\u003cp\u003eCreep it real this Halloween with our hilariously twisted collection of spooky, sarcastic, and warped-humor designs. Whether you're here for the fake candy, the costumes, or just an excuse to embrace your inner creep, we've got the perfect t-shirts, mugs, and gifts to match your warped holiday spirit. From sassy skeletons to jokes about avoiding people like the plague, our Halloween collection ensures your warped humor appears normal. November 1st...you're on your own.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"exercise-because-zombies-will-eat-the-slow-ones-first-halloween-coffee-mug-white-on-black-11oz-15oz","title":"Exercise Because Zombies Will Eat The Slow Ones First - Halloween Coffee Mug - White on Black (11oz, 15oz)","description":"\u003cp\u003eAre you a coffee lover who also happens to have a warped sense of humor? Look no further, because we have the perfect Halloween gift for you! Introducing our black 11 oz and 15 oz coffee mugs, featuring a hilarious graphic that reads, \"Exercise because Zombies will eat the slow ones first.\" With these mugs, you can enjoy your morning cup of joe while embracing the spooky spirit of Halloween!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOur black coffee mugs are designed to add a touch of personality to your everyday routine. Crafted from high-quality ceramic, these mugs are not only durable but also microwave and dishwasher safe, ensuring easy and convenient use. The sleek black color adds a modern and stylish edge to your kitchen or office, making them the perfect addition to any coffee mug collection.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe standout feature of these mugs is undoubtedly the funny graphic printed on them. The bold, white text is sure to catch everyone's attention – whether in the office or at home. It's a clever reminder to kickstart your day and get moving, all while injecting some Halloween-themed levity into your routine. Perfect for those who love a good laugh and appreciate a bit of spookiness during the holiday season!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShow off your warped sense of humor and love for Halloween by gifting these coffee mugs to friends, family, or even yourself. They make fantastic presents for birthdays, Halloween parties, or simply to add a touch of festivity to your own collection. Imagine surprising your friends with these mugs during a Halloween-themed gathering, or enjoying your morning coffee in style and starting your day with a smile.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e100% ceramic with a glossy finish\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in two sizes: 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eC-shaped easy-grip handle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMicrowave and dishwasher safe\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLead and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":49879193157924,"sku":"13219700132841929503","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":49879193190692,"sku":"65153660845882455230","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/5403939369010576370_2048.jpg?v=1726430365"},{"product_id":"exercise-because-zombies-will-eat-the-slow-ones-first-halloween-coffee-mug-white-and-red-on-black-11oz-15oz","title":"Exercise Because Zombies Will Eat The Slow Ones First - Halloween Coffee Mug - White and Red on Black (11oz, 15oz)","description":"\u003cp\u003eAre you a coffee lover who also happens to have a warped sense of humor? Look no further, because we have the perfect Halloween gift for you! Introducing our black 11 oz and 15 oz coffee mugs, featuring a hilarious graphic that reads, \"Exercise because Zombies will eat the slow ones first.\" With these mugs, you can enjoy your morning cup of joe while embracing the spooky spirit of Halloween!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOur black coffee mugs are designed to add a touch of personality to your everyday routine. Crafted from high-quality ceramic, these mugs are not only durable but also microwave and dishwasher safe, ensuring easy and convenient use. The sleek black color adds a modern and stylish edge to your kitchen or office, making them the perfect addition to any coffee mug collection.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe standout feature of these mugs is undoubtedly the funny graphic printed on them. The bold white and red on black is sure to catch everyone's attention – whether in the office or at home. It's a clever reminder to kickstart your day and get moving, all while injecting some Halloween-themed levity into your routine. Perfect for those who love a good laugh and appreciate a bit of spookiness during the holiday season!\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShow off your warped sense of humor and love for Halloween by gifting these coffee mugs to friends, family, or even yourself. They make fantastic presents for birthdays, Halloween parties, or simply to add a touch of festivity to your own collection. Imagine surprising your friends with these mugs during a Halloween-themed gathering, or enjoying your morning coffee in style and starting your day with a smile.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e100% ceramic with a glossy finish\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in two sizes: 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eC-shaped easy-grip handle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMicrowave and dishwasher safe\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLead and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":49879343038756,"sku":"25195850998219873877","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":49879343071524,"sku":"12361586652014072128","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/870041070299906283_2048.jpg?v=1726435070"},{"product_id":"accent-coffee-mug-11-15oz","title":"Exercise Because Zombies Will Eat The Slow Ones First - Halloween Accent Coffee Mug (11oz, 15oz)","description":"\u003cp\u003eLooking for a unique Halloween gift that will bring some laughter to the spooky season? Look no further than our white 11 oz and 15 oz coffee mugs, featuring a hilarious graphic that will surely tickle the funny bones of any coffee lover. Whether you're a fan of zombies or simply enjoy a good joke, our mugs with the witty phrase \"Exercise because Zombies will eat the slow ones first\" are a perfect way to add some personality to your morning routine.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCrafted with care, our mugs are made from high-quality ceramic, ensuring durability and longevity. With a glossy white exterior, these mugs create an eye-catching contrast with the clean red or black interior, accented by a vibrant red or black handle. The 11 oz and 15 oz options cater to both those who prefer a small, cozy cup of joe and those who need an extra boost to kickstart their day.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe clever graphic on the mug is sure to spark conversations and bring smiles to anyone who catches a glimpse of it. Perfect for Halloween parties, office spaces, or as a hilarious gift for friends and family, these mugs are guaranteed to make mornings more enjoyable. Plus, they are microwave and dishwasher safe, allowing for easy use and cleaning.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNot only will our accent coffee mugs with the \"Exercise because Zombies will eat the slow ones first\" graphic make you laugh, but they can also serve as a fantastic addition to your home decor. Display them proudly on your kitchen counter or shelf, letting your personality shine through. The versatility of these mugs makes them a staple Halloween gift that can be enjoyed all year round.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo why settle for a plain, boring coffee mug when you can have one that brings a dash of humor to your morning routine? Our glossy white ceramic mugs are the perfect blend of spooky and funny, making them an ideal gift for Halloween enthusiasts, zombie aficionados, or anyone who appreciates a good laugh.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eWhite ceramic with colored interior and handle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in two sizes: 11oz (0.33 l) and 15oz (0.44 l)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eChoose from 5 interior and handle colors\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eC-shaped handle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGlossy finish\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eEye-catching color contrast\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLead and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMicrowave \u0026amp; Dishwasher Safe\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz \/ Black","offer_id":49919379964196,"sku":"30314939070206988395","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"11oz \/ Red","offer_id":49919379996964,"sku":"15525356358384614089","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz \/ Black","offer_id":49919380029732,"sku":"21324324163792885483","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz \/ Red","offer_id":49919380062500,"sku":"10914153572865653637","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/3635616305242689888_2048.jpg?v=1727376330"},{"product_id":"aww-man-all-my-friends-are-alive-mug-funny-halloween-black-coffee-cup","title":"Aww Man All My Friends Are Alive Mug — Funny Halloween Black Coffee Cup","description":"\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"2\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-path-to-node=\"2\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003eThe Legend of Timmy\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"3\"\u003eMeet Timmy. Timmy loved camping, cheap beer, and a girl named Lisa. Unfortunately, Timmy was not a smart man.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"4\"\u003eIt was a crisp Saturday night. The bonfire was roaring, the cooler was empty, and Timmy was feeling indestructible. He decided that the best way to win Lisa’s heart wasn’t with a heartfelt poem or a s'more, but by displaying raw, primal dominance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"5\"\u003e\"Watch this,\" Timmy slurred, pointing a shaky finger at a sleeping grizzly about fifty yards away. \"I’m gonna smack that bear on the butt.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"6\"\u003eLisa said, \"Timmy, don't.\" Timmy heard, \"Timmy, you won't.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"7\"\u003eFueled by liquid courage and thinking with the wrong head, Timmy snuck up on the 600-pound apex predator. He wound up... and delivered the single most regrettable spank in human history.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"8\"\u003eThe bear was not impressed. Timmy was swiftly demoted from \"camper\" to \"spirit.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"9\"\u003eNow, Timmy drifts through the afterlife, totally bored. The haunting business is slow, there’s no Wi-Fi, and worst of all? The rest of the camping trip survived. Now he just hovers around, watching them eat pizza and grow old while he sulks in ectoplasm.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-path-to-node=\"10\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-path-to-node=\"10\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"\u003ePour one out (into this mug) for Timmy.\u003c\/strong\u003e It’s the perfect gift for your friend who makes questionable decisions.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis glossy black ceramic mug carries a playful, slightly spooky vibe — a soft blue cartoon ghost and the cheeky line “Aww man, all my friends are alive” wrap around its surface in crisp, vibrant print. Warm morning coffee or late-night tea feels a little more personal when you hold a weighted, easy-grip mug that shows off your dark-humor streak. The glossy finish makes the black backdrop pop while protecting the bright artwork. It’s substantial without being bulky, available in two sizes to match how much caffeine (or cocoa) you need.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e- Glossy 100% ceramic construction with bright, durable print\u003cbr\u003e- Available in 11oz and 15oz sizes to suit different drink preferences\u003cbr\u003e- Microwave-safe and dishwasher-safe for everyday convenience\u003cbr\u003e- C-shaped easy-grip handle for comfortable one-handed use\u003cbr\u003e- Lead-, cadmium-, and BPA-compliant; meets safety requirements\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e- Clean in dishwasher (put the product on top rack), or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":51982134083876,"sku":"51438152939263443261","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":51982134116644,"sku":"30245470361999788456","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/4525133947725004329_2048.jpg?v=1770071128"},{"product_id":"the-counts-sugar-problem-funny-vampire-halloween-mug-11oz-15oz","title":"The Count’s Sugar Problem — Funny Vampire Halloween Mug (11oz\/15oz)","description":"\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003eCount Snackula survived centuries of angry villagers, wooden stakes, garlic, sunlight, and increasingly unfavorable real-estate conditions in Transylvania.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen he discovered the American diet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Count’s Sugar Problem\u003c\/strong\u003e Halloween mug features our 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colors:\u003c\/strong\u003e bright, crisp print that preserves design detail\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eGlossy ceramic with C-handle:\u003c\/strong\u003e comfortable to hold and visually striking\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAvailable in 11oz and 15oz: \u003c\/strong\u003etwo sizes to match drink preferences, lead- and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eWhat you'll receive:\u003c\/strong\u003e One \u003cem\u003eThe Count’s Sugar Problem\u003c\/em\u003e mug featuring the illustrated Transylvania Dental Clinic design.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClean in dishwasher or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch1 class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary 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possibility of switching to a healthier diet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCASE STATUS:\u003c\/strong\u003e Ongoing.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eFOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT:\u003c\/strong\u003e Repeatedly rescheduled.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eFLOSSING:\u003c\/strong\u003e Absolutely not.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":56054246048036,"sku":"29471598940799179529","price":19.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":56054246080804,"sku":"21567460652936367277","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/10971965368588682513_2048.jpg?v=1787527873"},{"product_id":"the-count-s-sugar-problem-funny-vampire-halloween-mug-black-11oz-15oz","title":"The Count’s Sugar Problem — Funny Vampire Halloween Mug (Black 11oz\/15oz)","description":"\u003cp\u003eCount Snackula survived centuries of angry 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Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMicrowave-safe:\u003c\/strong\u003e heat beverages quickly without worry\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDishwasher-safe:\u003c\/strong\u003e holds up to daily cleaning\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eVibrant colors: \u003c\/strong\u003ebright, crisp print that preserves design detail\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eGlossy ceramic with C-handle: \u003c\/strong\u003ecomfortable to hold and visually striking\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMug Color: \u003c\/strong\u003eGlossy Black\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAvailable in 11oz and 15oz: \u003c\/strong\u003etwo sizes to match drink preferences, lead- and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eWhat you'll receive: \u003c\/strong\u003eOne The Count’s Sugar Problem mug featuring the illustrated Transylvania Dental Clinic design.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClean in dishwasher or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch1\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h1\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor centuries, Count Snackula had excellent teeth.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen he moved to America.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNobody warned him that modern blood came with this much sugar.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfter several decades of midnight snacking, the Count noticed some troubling developments: fang sensitivity, unexplained cavities, and what his dentist described as “a frankly irresponsible amount of plaque for an immortal.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo he made an emergency appointment at the Transylvania Dental Clinic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDr. Igor Fangsworth examined the damage, lowered his mirror, and delivered the diagnosis:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e“Well, well... looks like all that high-sugar blood is killing your smile!”\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Count was horrified.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNot by the cavities.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy the possibility of switching to a healthier diet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003cstrong\u003eCASE STATUS: \u003c\/strong\u003eOngoing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eFOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT:\u003c\/strong\u003e Repeatedly rescheduled.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eFLOSSING:\u003c\/strong\u003e Absolutely not.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":56057358385444,"sku":"66637151702247704677","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":56057358418212,"sku":"31952856252732278071","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/13173588440532116689_2048.jpg?v=1787592727"},{"product_id":"the-count-s-sugar-problem-funny-vampire-halloween-mug-accent-colors-black-red-orange-purple-pink-11oz-15oz","title":"The Count’s Sugar Problem — Funny Vampire Halloween Mug (Accent Colors - Black, Red, Orange, Purple, Pink 11oz\/15oz)","description":"\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\" data-start=\"1240\" data-end=\"1395\"\u003eCount Snackula survived centuries of angry villagers, wooden stakes, garlic, sunlight, and increasingly unfavorable real-estate conditions in Transylvania.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"1397\" data-end=\"1434\"\u003eThen he discovered the American diet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"1436\" data-end=\"1617\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"1436\" data-end=\"1465\"\u003eThe Count’s Sugar Problem\u003c\/strong\u003e Halloween mug features our unfortunate vampire receiving some devastating dental news from Dr. Igor Fangsworth, DDS, at the Transylvania Dental Clinic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"1619\" data-end=\"1831\"\u003eLook closer and the situation gets worse: fang repair, blood-stain whitening, plaque removal, questionable dental equipment, and one vampire realizing that immortality apparently doesn't protect against cavities.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"1833\" data-end=\"2025\"\u003eA ridiculous Halloween mug for morning coffee, evening beverages, spooky-season desk duty, or gifting to the horror fan whose kitchen cabinets could probably support their own Halloween store.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMicrowave-safe: \u003c\/strong\u003eheat beverages quickly without worry\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDishwasher-safe:\u003c\/strong\u003e holds up to daily cleaning\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eVibrant colors:\u003c\/strong\u003e bright, crisp print that preserves design detail\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eGlossy ceramic with C-handle:\u003c\/strong\u003e comfortable to hold and visually striking\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAvailable Mug Colors:\u003c\/strong\u003e mugs are white with black, red, orange, purple, and pink accent colors on the handle and inside\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAvailable in 11oz and 15oz: \u003c\/strong\u003etwo sizes to match drink preferences, lead- and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong data-start=\"2237\" data-end=\"2261\"\u003eWhat you'll receive:\u003c\/strong\u003e One \u003cem data-start=\"2266\" data-end=\"2293\"\u003eThe Count’s Sugar Problem\u003c\/em\u003e mug featuring the illustrated Transylvania Dental Clinic design.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClean in dishwasher or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch1 class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\" data-section-id=\"1i0tx87\" data-start=\"2510\" data-end=\"2548\"\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/h1\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"2550\" data-end=\"2600\"\u003eFor centuries, Count Snackula had excellent teeth.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"2602\" data-end=\"2627\"\u003eThen he moved to America.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"2629\" data-end=\"2691\"\u003eNobody warned him that modern blood came with this much sugar.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"2693\" data-end=\"2917\"\u003eAfter several decades of midnight snacking, the Count noticed some troubling developments: fang sensitivity, unexplained cavities, and what his dentist described as “a frankly irresponsible amount of plaque for an immortal.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"2919\" data-end=\"2989\"\u003eSo he made an emergency appointment at the Transylvania Dental Clinic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"2991\" data-end=\"3080\"\u003eDr. Igor Fangsworth examined the damage, lowered his mirror, and delivered the diagnosis:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"3082\" data-end=\"3161\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"3082\" data-end=\"3161\"\u003e“Well, well... looks like all that high-sugar blood is killing your smile!”\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"3163\" data-end=\"3187\"\u003eThe Count was horrified.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"3189\" data-end=\"3209\"\u003eNot by the cavities.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"3211\" data-end=\"3263\"\u003eBy the possibility of switching to a healthier diet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"3265\" data-end=\"3375\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"3265\" data-end=\"3281\"\u003eCASE STATUS:\u003c\/strong\u003e Ongoing.\u003cbr data-start=\"3290\" data-end=\"3293\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"3293\" data-end=\"3319\"\u003eFOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT:\u003c\/strong\u003e Repeatedly rescheduled.\u003cbr data-start=\"3343\" data-end=\"3346\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"3346\" data-end=\"3359\"\u003eFLOSSING:\u003c\/strong\u003e Absolutely not.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz \/ Black","offer_id":56057711329572,"sku":"16347385886983981458","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"11oz \/ Pink","offer_id":56057711362340,"sku":"20306958479784724897","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"11oz \/ Red","offer_id":56057711395108,"sku":"45823271112041894679","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"11oz \/ Orange","offer_id":56057711427876,"sku":"11203656799690676428","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"11oz \/ Purple","offer_id":56057711460644,"sku":"26124315471371757501","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz \/ Black","offer_id":56057711493412,"sku":"63005491292041403754","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz \/ Pink","offer_id":56057711526180,"sku":"32700333580961685788","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz \/ Red","offer_id":56057711558948,"sku":"29110794517205573841","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz \/ Orange","offer_id":56057711591716,"sku":"17164598675153341074","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz \/ Purple","offer_id":56057711624484,"sku":"25306869502977701692","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/4178037589380942177_2048.jpg?v=1787594231"},{"product_id":"trip-or-treat-psychedelic-halloween-20oz-tumbler","title":"Trip or Treat - Psychedelic Halloween 20oz Tumbler","description":"\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHalloween took a wrong turn.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTrip or Treat\u003c\/strong\u003e throws pumpkins, witches, ghosts, skeletons, a suspiciously intense black cat, and enough psychedelic Halloween chaos into one design to make a normal jack-o'-lantern deeply uncomfortable.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBright, bizarre, spooky, and gloriously unhinged, it's for anyone who prefers their Halloween with a little more \u003cstrong\u003ewhat the heck am I looking at?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eGary was supposed to design a peaceful fall scene. This is what we got.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003e \u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDurable high-grade stainless steel resists rust and corrosion\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eIncludes clear lid and reusable straw for spill-reduced sipping\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e20 oz (600 ml) capacity with slim 3.11″ × 8.42″ profile fits most cup holders\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e360° printable cylindrical design with glossy protective varnish to enhance colors\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGlossy black finish\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHand wash only\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch1 class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h1\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTRIP OR TREAT\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eProduct Development would like to clarify that this was supposed to be a peaceful autumn scene.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGary was working late in Product Development when he remembered the slice of pizza he'd brought from home.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis was unfortunate.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEarlier that morning, while rushing to get to work, Gary had grabbed some mushrooms from the refrigerator and thrown them on the pizza without looking particularly closely at the container.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey were, according to Gary, \u003cstrong\u003e\"the regular mushrooms.\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey were not the regular mushrooms.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt approximately 8:17 p.m., Gary began work on what was supposed to be a tasteful autumn design featuring pumpkins, a scarecrow, some fall foliage, and perhaps a charming farmhouse in the distance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 8:43, the scarecrow had disappeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 9:06, the pumpkins had developed eyes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 9:28, a witch was flying across an enormous orange moon, a ghost had materialized, the farmhouse had become deeply concerning, and Gary was arguing with a black cat about \"creative differences.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe cat reportedly won.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt 10:14, Gary emailed the finished artwork to the entire company under the subject line:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTRIP OR TREAT. DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKaren found him the next morning asleep under his desk with a purple marker in one hand and half a slice of pizza in the other.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe design was immediately rejected.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen someone looked at it again.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen someone else wanted one.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo now we're selling it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGary has been asked to label his food.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGary has also been asked to stop designing after 8 p.m.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNeither policy is expected to help.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"20oz \/ White","offer_id":56059734720804,"sku":"90217218547768216795","price":42.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/10043703553968108382_2048.jpg?v=1787620007"},{"product_id":"trip-or-treat-psychedelic-halloween-coffee-mug-black-11oz-15oz","title":"Trip or Treat | Psychedelic Halloween Coffee Mug (Black, 11oz\/15oz)","description":"\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHalloween took a wrong turn.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTrip or Treat\u003c\/strong\u003e throws pumpkins, witches, ghosts, skeletons, a suspiciously intense black cat, and enough psychedelic Halloween chaos into one design to make a normal jack-o'-lantern deeply uncomfortable.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBright, bizarre, spooky, and gloriously unhinged, it's for anyone who prefers their Halloween with a little more \u003cstrong\u003ewhat the heck am I looking at?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eGary was supposed to design a peaceful fall scene. This is what we got.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003e \u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDurable high-grade stainless steel resists rust and corrosion\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eIncludes clear lid and reusable straw for spill-reduced sipping\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e20 oz (600 ml) capacity with slim 3.11″ × 8.42″ profile fits most cup holders\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e360° printable cylindrical design with glossy protective varnish to enhance colors\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGlossy black finish\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHand wash only\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch1 class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h1\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTRIP OR TREAT\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eProduct Development would like to clarify that this was supposed to be a peaceful autumn scene.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGary was working late in Product Development when he remembered the slice of pizza he'd brought from home.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis was unfortunate.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEarlier that morning, while rushing to get to work, Gary had grabbed some mushrooms from the refrigerator and thrown them on the pizza without looking particularly closely at the container.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey were, according to Gary, \u003cstrong\u003e\"the regular mushrooms.\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey were not the regular mushrooms.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt approximately 8:17 p.m., Gary began work on what was supposed to be a tasteful autumn design featuring pumpkins, a scarecrow, some fall foliage, and perhaps a charming farmhouse in the distance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 8:43, the scarecrow had disappeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 9:06, the pumpkins had developed eyes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 9:28, a witch was flying across an enormous orange moon, a ghost had materialized, the farmhouse had become deeply concerning, and Gary was arguing with a black cat about \"creative differences.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe cat reportedly won.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt 10:14, Gary emailed the finished artwork to the entire company under the subject line:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTRIP OR TREAT. DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKaren found him the next morning asleep under his desk with a purple marker in one hand and half a slice of pizza in the other.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe design was immediately rejected.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen someone looked at it again.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen someone else wanted one.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo now we're selling it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGary has been asked to label his food.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGary has also been asked to stop designing after 8 p.m.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c!-- x-tinymce\/html --\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNeither policy is expected to help.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":56087591878948,"sku":"21066095446704080523","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":56087591911716,"sku":"21324349598050871485","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/9634988843017198948_2048.jpg?v=1787667704"},{"product_id":"trip-or-treat-psychedelic-halloween-beer-and-soda-koozie","title":"Trip or Treat - Psychedelic Halloween Beer and Soda Koozie","description":"\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eHalloween took a wrong turn.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTrip or Treat\u003c\/strong\u003e throws pumpkins, witches, ghosts, skeletons, a suspiciously intense black cat, and enough psychedelic Halloween chaos into one design to make a normal jack-o'-lantern deeply uncomfortable.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBright, bizarre, spooky, and gloriously unhinged, it's for anyone who prefers their Halloween with a little more \u003cstrong\u003ewhat the heck am I looking at?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\" data-start=\"358\" data-end=\"424\"\u003e\u003c!-- x-tinymce\/html --\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eGary was supposed to design a peaceful fall scene. This is what we got.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDurable 100% polyester exterior with edge-to-edge vibrant printing\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSoft 100% foam liner for stable, non-slip grip\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLightweight and quick-drying construction\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable for Regular (3.5\" x 4.3\") and Slim (3.5\" x 6\") cans\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHigh-quality sublimation printing that won't fade, peel, or crack over time\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eWipe with a damp cloth, air dry or use a soft, non-abrasive cloth\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"PDq2pG_selectionAnchorContainer\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTRIP OR TREAT\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cem\u003eProduct Development would like to clarify that this was supposed to be a peaceful autumn scene.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGary was working late in Product Development when he remembered the slice of pizza he'd brought from home.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis was unfortunate.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEarlier that morning, while rushing to get to work, Gary had grabbed some mushrooms from the refrigerator and thrown them on the pizza without looking particularly closely at the container.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey were, according to Gary, \u003cstrong\u003e\"the regular mushrooms.\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey were not the regular mushrooms.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt approximately 8:17 p.m., Gary began work on what was supposed to be a tasteful autumn design featuring pumpkins, a scarecrow, some fall foliage, and perhaps a charming farmhouse in the distance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 8:43, the scarecrow had disappeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 9:06, the pumpkins had developed eyes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy 9:28, a witch was flying across an enormous orange moon, a ghost had materialized, the farmhouse had become deeply concerning, and Gary was arguing with a black cat about \"creative differences.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe cat reportedly won.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt 10:14, Gary emailed the finished artwork to the entire company under the subject line:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTRIP OR TREAT. DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKaren found him the next morning asleep under his desk with a purple marker in one hand and half a slice of pizza in the other.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe design was immediately rejected.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen someone looked at it again.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen someone else wanted one.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo now we're selling it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGary has been asked to label his food.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eGary has also been asked to stop designing after 8 p.m.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003c!-- x-tinymce\/html --\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNeither policy is expected to help.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"Regular Can","offer_id":56088432247076,"sku":"18960698575545723624","price":17.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/14765834432232989644_2048.jpg?v=1787677740"},{"product_id":"why-exercise-zombies-black-coffee-mug-funny-halloween-horror-gift-11oz-15oz","title":"Why Exercise? Zombies Black Coffee Mug — Funny Halloween Horror Gift (11oz\/15oz)","description":"\u003cp\u003eNothing motivates a workout quite like becoming someone else’s lunch. The \u003cstrong data-start=\"473\" data-end=\"500\" data-is-only-node=\"\"\u003e“WHY EXERCISE? ZOMBIES”\u003c\/strong\u003e mug combines Halloween horror with a perfectly warped reminder that when the undead show up, you don’t necessarily have to outrun the zombies—you just have to outrun the other guy. Bright, bold, and ridiculous in all the right ways, it’s perfect for Halloween lovers, zombie fans, gym procrastinators, and anyone who prefers their morning coffee with a little dark humor.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eBlack glossy 100% ceramic with vibrant color printing\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in 11oz and 15oz sizes\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMicrowave-safe and dishwasher-safe for easy use\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eC-shaped easy-grip handle; lead and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eBold neon-green and dripping-red horror-themed print\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClean in dishwasher (put the product on top rack), or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGary had always believed exercise was one of those things invented by people who owned expensive sneakers and had suspiciously strong opinions about protein powder.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"207\" data-end=\"245\"\u003eHe wasn’t \u003cem data-start=\"217\" data-end=\"226\"\u003eagainst\u003c\/em\u003e exercise, exactly.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"247\" data-end=\"300\"\u003eHe just preferred to support it from a safe distance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"302\" data-end=\"606\"\u003eWhenever someone told him he needed to get more active, Gary would point out that he walked to the refrigerator several times a day, routinely carried multiple grocery bags into the house in a single trip, and had once sprinted nearly thirty feet after hearing the ice cream truck coming down the street.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"608\" data-end=\"689\"\u003eAs far as he was concerned, his cardiovascular system had been thoroughly tested.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"691\" data-end=\"722\"\u003eBesides, Gary had a philosophy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"724\" data-end=\"784\"\u003e“If something is chasing me,” he would say, “I’ll exercise.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"786\" data-end=\"841\"\u003eNobody realized how prophetic those words would become.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"843\" data-end=\"900\"\u003eIt all started on a perfectly ordinary Tuesday afternoon.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"902\" data-end=\"1046\"\u003eGary was sitting on the couch watching a documentary about people climbing mountains for fun when his neighbor, Brandon, jogged past the window.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1048\" data-end=\"1073\"\u003eBrandon jogged every day.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1075\" data-end=\"1080\"\u003eRain.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1082\" data-end=\"1087\"\u003eSnow.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1089\" data-end=\"1094\"\u003eHeat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1096\" data-end=\"1101\"\u003eCold.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1103\" data-end=\"1130\"\u003eProbably during hurricanes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1132\" data-end=\"1154\"\u003eGary didn’t trust him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1156\" data-end=\"1216\"\u003eNo normal person willingly ran when nobody was chasing them.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1218\" data-end=\"1399\"\u003eBrandon owned enough workout clothes to open a sporting-goods store, ate something called “overnight oats,” and occasionally used the phrase \u003cem data-start=\"1359\" data-end=\"1374\"\u003epersonal best\u003c\/em\u003e in regular conversation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1401\" data-end=\"1447\"\u003eGary considered all of this deeply suspicious.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1449\" data-end=\"1532\"\u003eHe took another bite of his sandwich and watched Brandon disappear down the street.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1534\" data-end=\"1560\"\u003e“Show-off,” Gary muttered.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1562\" data-end=\"1584\"\u003eThen someone screamed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1586\" data-end=\"1597\"\u003eGary froze.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1599\" data-end=\"1623\"\u003eAnother scream followed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1625\" data-end=\"1641\"\u003eThen three more.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1643\" data-end=\"1674\"\u003eHe slowly lowered his sandwich.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1676\" data-end=\"1727\"\u003eOutside, a man stumbled across the neighbor’s lawn.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1729\" data-end=\"1762\"\u003eGary squinted through the window.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1764\" data-end=\"1792\"\u003eThe man’s clothing was torn.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1794\" data-end=\"1815\"\u003eHis skin looked gray.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1817\" data-end=\"1909\"\u003eHe walked with the coordination of someone who had just gotten off a spinning carnival ride.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1911\" data-end=\"1937\"\u003eThen another one appeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1939\" data-end=\"1952\"\u003eThen another.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1954\" data-end=\"1966\"\u003eGary stared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1968\" data-end=\"1975\"\u003e“Nope.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"1977\" data-end=\"2044\"\u003eWithin minutes, the neighborhood had descended into complete chaos.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2046\" data-end=\"2080\"\u003eCars were abandoned in the street.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2082\" data-end=\"2121\"\u003ePeople were running in every direction.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2123\" data-end=\"2168\"\u003eSomeone’s garbage cans had been knocked over.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2170\" data-end=\"2198\"\u003eA lawn flamingo was missing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2200\" data-end=\"2296\"\u003eAnd an increasingly large group of unmistakably undead people was shuffling toward Gary’s house.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2298\" data-end=\"2321\"\u003eGary grabbed his phone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2323\" data-end=\"2358\"\u003eEmergency alerts filled the screen.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2360\" data-end=\"2387\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2360\" data-end=\"2387\"\u003eUNKNOWN VIRAL OUTBREAK.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2389\" data-end=\"2420\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2389\" data-end=\"2420\"\u003eAVOID INFECTED INDIVIDUALS.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2422\" data-end=\"2439\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2422\" data-end=\"2439\"\u003eSEEK SHELTER.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2441\" data-end=\"2474\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"2441\" data-end=\"2474\"\u003eDO NOT APPROACH THE INFECTED.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2476\" data-end=\"2502\"\u003eGary looked outside again.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2504\" data-end=\"2547\"\u003e“Yeah, I figured that last one out myself.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2549\" data-end=\"2586\"\u003eThen he noticed something terrifying.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2588\" data-end=\"2620\"\u003eThe zombies were getting closer.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2622\" data-end=\"2668\"\u003eGary immediately began preparing for survival.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2670\" data-end=\"2694\"\u003eHe grabbed a flashlight.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2696\" data-end=\"2717\"\u003eTwo bottles of water.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2719\" data-end=\"2734\"\u003eA bag of chips.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2736\" data-end=\"2757\"\u003eAnother bag of chips.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2759\" data-end=\"2787\"\u003eA family-sized bag of chips.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2789\" data-end=\"2805\"\u003eThen he stopped.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2807\" data-end=\"2825\"\u003e“Too much weight.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2827\" data-end=\"2859\"\u003eHe reluctantly put one bag back.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2861\" data-end=\"2889\"\u003eSurvival required sacrifice.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2891\" data-end=\"2948\"\u003eGary stepped outside and discovered something even worse.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2950\" data-end=\"2985\"\u003eBrandon was standing in the street.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"2987\" data-end=\"2998\"\u003eStretching.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3000\" data-end=\"3020\"\u003eActually stretching.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3022\" data-end=\"3051\"\u003eDuring the zombie apocalypse.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3053\" data-end=\"3094\"\u003e“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gary said.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3096\" data-end=\"3116\"\u003eBrandon looked over.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3118\" data-end=\"3142\"\u003e“Gary! We need to move!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3144\" data-end=\"3186\"\u003eGary pointed toward the approaching horde.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3188\" data-end=\"3200\"\u003e“You think?”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3202\" data-end=\"3275\"\u003eThen Brandon did exactly what Gary had always feared he would someday do.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3277\" data-end=\"3296\"\u003eHe started running.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3298\" data-end=\"3319\"\u003eNot panicked running.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3321\" data-end=\"3343\"\u003eNot terrified running.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3345\" data-end=\"3360\"\u003eProper running.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3362\" data-end=\"3378\"\u003ePerfect posture.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3380\" data-end=\"3394\"\u003eSmooth stride.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3396\" data-end=\"3417\"\u003eControlled breathing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3419\" data-end=\"3486\"\u003eThe man looked like he was filming a commercial for athletic shoes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3488\" data-end=\"3512\"\u003eGary took off after him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3514\" data-end=\"3582\"\u003eFor approximately eleven seconds, everything went surprisingly well.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3584\" data-end=\"3627\"\u003eThen Gary’s lungs filed a formal complaint.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3629\" data-end=\"3661\"\u003eHis knees requested arbitration.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3663\" data-end=\"3704\"\u003eHis lower back submitted its resignation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3706\" data-end=\"3716\"\u003e“BRANDON!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3718\" data-end=\"3738\"\u003eBrandon looked back.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3740\" data-end=\"3747\"\u003e“What?”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3749\" data-end=\"3756\"\u003e“WAIT!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3758\" data-end=\"3769\"\u003e“For what?”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3771\" data-end=\"3797\"\u003e“I DON’T KNOW! SOMETHING!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3799\" data-end=\"3852\"\u003eBehind Gary, the zombies continued shuffling forward.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3854\" data-end=\"3870\"\u003eGary ran harder.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3872\" data-end=\"3908\"\u003eBrandon casually increased his pace.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3910\" data-end=\"3941\"\u003eThe distance between them grew.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"3943\" data-end=\"4021\"\u003eGary suddenly remembered every opportunity he had ever been given to exercise.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4023\" data-end=\"4099\"\u003eThe treadmill he bought three years earlier and turned into a clothing rack.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4101\" data-end=\"4197\"\u003eThe gym membership he kept paying for because canceling it required actually driving to the gym.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4199\" data-end=\"4299\"\u003eThe exercise bike in the basement that still had the instruction manual hanging from the handlebars.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4301\" data-end=\"4379\"\u003eEvery time someone had said, “You know, even twenty minutes a day would help.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4381\" data-end=\"4406\"\u003eGary regretted all of it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4408\" data-end=\"4432\"\u003eHe regretted everything.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4434\" data-end=\"4444\"\u003e“BRANDON!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4446\" data-end=\"4454\"\u003e“What?!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4456\" data-end=\"4482\"\u003e“WHY DO YOU RUN SO FAST?!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4484\" data-end=\"4502\"\u003e“I RUN EVERY DAY!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4504\" data-end=\"4517\"\u003eGary wheezed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4519\" data-end=\"4568\"\u003e“THAT SEEMS EXTREMELY UNHELPFUL TO ME RIGHT NOW!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4570\" data-end=\"4619\"\u003eAnother zombie appeared from behind a parked car.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4621\" data-end=\"4644\"\u003eGary changed direction.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4646\" data-end=\"4754\"\u003eFor perhaps the first time in human history, Gary experienced genuine enthusiasm for cardiovascular fitness.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4756\" data-end=\"4784\"\u003e“I GET IT NOW!” he screamed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4786\" data-end=\"4813\"\u003eNobody asked what he meant.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4815\" data-end=\"4839\"\u003e“I UNDERSTAND EXERCISE!”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4841\" data-end=\"4865\"\u003eThe zombies kept coming.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4867\" data-end=\"4885\"\u003eGary kept running.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4887\" data-end=\"4944\"\u003eBrandon kept effortlessly disappearing into the distance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"4946\" data-end=\"5081\"\u003eAnd somewhere between complete exhaustion and overwhelming terror, Gary discovered the greatest fitness secret humanity had ever known:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5083\" data-end=\"5102\"\u003eMotivation matters.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5104\" data-end=\"5140\"\u003eSome people exercise to lose weight.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5142\" data-end=\"5172\"\u003eSome exercise to build muscle.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5174\" data-end=\"5198\"\u003eSome want better health.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5200\" data-end=\"5222\"\u003eSome want more energy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5224\" data-end=\"5355\"\u003eAnd some people apparently require an undead horde trying to eat them before they finally decide cardio might be worth considering.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5357\" data-end=\"5386\"\u003eGary survived that afternoon.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5388\" data-end=\"5395\"\u003eBarely.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5397\" data-end=\"5541\"\u003eThe next morning, Brandon found him standing outside wearing sweatpants, old sneakers, and the thousand-yard stare of a man who had seen things.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5543\" data-end=\"5578\"\u003e“You going running?” Brandon asked.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5580\" data-end=\"5592\"\u003eGary nodded.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5594\" data-end=\"5614\"\u003e“Wow. What changed?”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5616\" data-end=\"5647\"\u003eGary looked toward the horizon.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5649\" data-end=\"5714\"\u003eIn the distance, several zombies wandered between abandoned cars.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5716\" data-end=\"5737\"\u003eHe stretched one leg.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5739\" data-end=\"5754\"\u003eThen the other.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5756\" data-end=\"5835\"\u003e“Turns out,” Gary said, “I finally found an exercise program I can stick with.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5837\" data-end=\"5852\"\u003eBrandon smiled.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5854\" data-end=\"5887\"\u003e“That’s great. What’s your goal?”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5889\" data-end=\"5908\"\u003eGary stared at him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5910\" data-end=\"5920\"\u003e“My goal?”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5922\" data-end=\"5952\"\u003eHe pointed toward the zombies.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5954\" data-end=\"5984\"\u003e“I don’t have to outrun them.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"5986\" data-end=\"6015\"\u003eGary tightened his shoelaces.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6017\" data-end=\"6052\"\u003eThen he looked directly at Brandon.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6054\" data-end=\"6112\"\u003e“I just have to make sure they catch somebody else first.”\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6114\" data-end=\"6207\"\u003eAnd that is how Gary became the most reluctant fitness enthusiast in Warped Holidays history.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6209\" data-end=\"6235\"\u003eNot because he wanted abs.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6237\" data-end=\"6277\"\u003eNot because he wanted to run a marathon.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6279\" data-end=\"6343\"\u003eNot because he suddenly discovered a passion for healthy living.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6345\" data-end=\"6382\"\u003eGary exercised for one simple reason:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6384\" data-end=\"6396\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"6384\" data-end=\"6396\"\u003eZombies.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"auto\" data-start=\"6398\" data-end=\"6481\" data-is-last-node=\"\" data-is-only-node=\"\"\u003eWhich, when you think about it, is still more motivating than most gym memberships.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":56309776843044,"sku":"30153808476766786303","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":56309776875812,"sku":"31432649988056782859","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/14767901083324661022_2048.jpg?v=1789601719"},{"product_id":"the-pie-stories-are-true-v2-halloween-coffee-mug-11oz-15oz","title":"The Pie Stories Are True?! v2 – Halloween Coffee Mug (11oz, 15oz)","description":"\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eEvery pumpkin grows up hearing the stories.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eThe disappearances.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eThe strange kitchen noises.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eThe suspicious smell of cinnamon and nutmeg.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eBut nobody actually believes the legends...\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eUntil Steve watched his buddy get his brains scooped out with an ice cream scoop.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eNow the horrifying truth has finally been revealed:\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eTHE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eThis ridiculously dramatic Halloween mug captures the exact moment two innocent pumpkins discover what really happens after October. One is experiencing a full-blown existential crisis while the other is undergoing what can only be described as an extremely invasive pie-related procedure.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003ePerfect for Halloween lovers, pumpkin spice addicts, horror-comedy fans, office troublemakers, and anyone who has ever looked at pumpkin pie and wondered whether the pumpkin consented.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eFill it with coffee, cocoa, tea, or enough pumpkin spice latte to make the situation even more uncomfortable.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMicrowave-safe for quick reheats\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDishwasher-safe for easy cleaning\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eVibrant, crisp color printing\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGlossy white ceramic with C-handle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in 11oz and 15oz, lead \u0026amp; BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClean in dishwasher or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch2 class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf0\"\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eFor generations, young pumpkins were warned about The Pie Makers.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eParents told terrifying stories about giant creatures who appeared every autumn, cut pumpkins open, removed their insides, and eventually transformed some of them into dessert.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eNaturally, the younger pumpkins thought it was nonsense.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003e\"Yeah, Grandpa. And I suppose they put whipped cream on us too.\"\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eThen one October evening, everything changed.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eTwo pumpkins were sitting quietly when a pair of enormous hands appeared.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eThere was a knife.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eThere was a scoop.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eThere were seeds everywhere.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eAnd somewhere between the first horrifying SCHLORP and the realization that nobody was coming to help...\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eone pumpkin finally screamed:\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003e\"THE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\"\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eHistorians now refer to the incident as The Great Pumpkin Awakening.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp class=\"pf0\"\u003e\u003cspan class=\"cf1\"\u003eHumans refer to it as Pumpkin Pie. Monsters!!\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":67636698251556,"sku":"64022777000298212671","price":19.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":67636698284324,"sku":"73527827070441993972","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/4486649350442660662_2048.jpg?v=1791295785"},{"product_id":"the-pie-stories-are-true-halloween-black-coffee-mug-11oz-15oz","title":"The Pie Stories Are True?! v2 – Halloween Black Coffee Mug (11oz\/15oz)","description":"\u003cp\u003eEvery pumpkin grows up hearing the stories.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe disappearances.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe strange kitchen noises.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe suspicious smell of cinnamon and nutmeg.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut nobody actually believes the legends...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUntil Steve watched his buddy get his brains scooped out with an ice cream scoop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNow the horrifying truth has finally been revealed:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTHE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis ridiculously dramatic Halloween mug captures the exact moment two innocent pumpkins discover what really happens after October. One is experiencing a full-blown existential crisis while the other is undergoing what can only be described as an extremely invasive pie-related procedure.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for Halloween lovers, pumpkin spice addicts, horror-comedy fans, office troublemakers, and anyone who has ever looked at pumpkin pie and wondered whether the pumpkin consented.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFill it with coffee, cocoa, tea, or enough pumpkin spice latte to make the situation even more uncomfortable.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGlossy 100% ceramic — smooth black finish for dramatic contrast\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in 11oz and 15oz sizes to match your pour\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMicrowave-safe and dishwasher-safe for everyday convenience\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eVibrant, high-resolution print that resists fading\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eC-shaped easy-grip handle; lead- and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClean in dishwasher (put the product on top rack), or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor generations, young pumpkins were warned about The Pie Makers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eParents told terrifying stories about giant creatures who appeared every autumn, cut pumpkins open, removed their insides, and eventually transformed some of them into dessert.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNaturally, the younger pumpkins thought it was nonsense.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Yeah, Grandpa. And I suppose they put whipped cream on us too.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen one October evening, everything changed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTwo pumpkins were sitting quietly when a pair of enormous hands appeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a knife.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a scoop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere were seeds everywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd somewhere between the first horrifying SCHLORP and the realization that nobody was coming to help...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eone pumpkin finally screamed:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\"THE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHistorians now refer to the incident as The Great Pumpkin Awakening.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHumans refer to it as Pumpkin Pie. Monsters!!\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":67636718141732,"sku":"24867609037465756149","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":67636718174500,"sku":"17976120893559504006","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/464041399758743449_2048.jpg?v=1791296761"},{"product_id":"the-pie-stories-are-true-halloween-coffee-mug-11oz-15oz","title":"The Pie Stories Are True?! – Halloween Coffee Mug (11oz \u0026 15oz)","description":"\u003cp\u003eEvery pumpkin grows up hearing the stories.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe disappearances.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe strange kitchen noises.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe suspicious smell of cinnamon and nutmeg.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut nobody actually believes the legends...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUntil Steve watched his buddy get his brains scooped out with an ice cream scoop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNow the horrifying truth has finally been revealed:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTHE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis ridiculously dramatic Halloween mug captures the exact moment two innocent pumpkins discover what really happens after October. One is experiencing a full-blown existential crisis while the other is undergoing what can only be described as an extremely invasive pie-related procedure.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePerfect for Halloween lovers, pumpkin spice addicts, horror-comedy fans, office troublemakers, and anyone who has ever looked at pumpkin pie and wondered whether the pumpkin consented.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFill it with coffee, cocoa, tea, or enough pumpkin spice latte to make the situation even more uncomfortable.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eBecause somewhere, right now, another pumpkin is learning the truth.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMicrowave-safe for quick reheats\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDishwasher-safe for easy cleanup\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eVibrant, long-lasting color prints\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGlossy white ceramic with comfortable C-handle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in 11oz and 15oz; lead- and BPA-free\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClean in dishwasher or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor generations, young pumpkins were warned about The Pie Makers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eParents told terrifying stories about giant creatures who appeared every autumn, cut pumpkins open, removed their insides, and eventually transformed some of them into dessert.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNaturally, the younger pumpkins thought it was nonsense.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Yeah, Grandpa. And I suppose they put whipped cream on us too.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen one October evening, everything changed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTwo pumpkins were sitting quietly when a pair of enormous hands appeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a knife.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a scoop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere were seeds everywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd somewhere between the first horrifying SCHLORP and the realization that nobody was coming to help...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eone pumpkin finally screamed:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\"THE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHistorians now refer to the incident as The Great Pumpkin Awakening.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHumans refer to it as Pumpkin Pie. Monsters!!\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":67636758642980,"sku":"18536552970472671774","price":19.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":67636758675748,"sku":"87939239165805577239","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/2911825505804500620_2048.jpg?v=1791299412"},{"product_id":"the-pie-stories-are-true-halloween-black-coffee-mug-11oz-15oz-1","title":"The Pie Stories Are True?! – Halloween Black Coffee Mug (11oz\/15oz)","description":"\u003cp\u003eEvery pumpkin grows up hearing the stories.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe disappearances.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe strange kitchen noises.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe suspicious smell of cinnamon and nutmeg.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut nobody actually believes the legends...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUntil Steve watched his buddy get his brains scooped out with an ice cream scoop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNow the horrifying truth has finally been revealed:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTHE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis ridiculously dramatic Halloween mug captures the exact moment two innocent pumpkins discover what really happens after October. 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And I suppose they put whipped cream on us too.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen one October evening, everything changed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTwo pumpkins were sitting quietly when a pair of enormous hands appeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a knife.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a scoop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere were seeds everywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd somewhere between the first horrifying SCHLORP and the realization that nobody was coming to help...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eone pumpkin finally screamed:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\"THE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHistorians now refer to the incident as The Great Pumpkin Awakening.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHumans refer to it as Pumpkin Pie. Monsters!!\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"11oz","offer_id":67636769063204,"sku":"30229917046634609762","price":21.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"15oz","offer_id":67636769095972,"sku":"68860090214951461088","price":23.95,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0827\/0535\/0948\/files\/16978431585786551305_2048.jpg?v=1791300050"},{"product_id":"accent-coffee-mug-funny-halloween-pumpkin-the-pie-stories-are-true","title":"Accent Coffee Mug — Funny Halloween Pumpkin \"The Pie Stories Are True?!\" v2","description":"\u003cp\u003eA lively ceramic mug that brings a playful Halloween moment to your morning ritual. Two wide-eyed pumpkins react in horror while a monster's hand begins gutting the one — the other exclaims, “The pie stories are TRUE?!” Bright colors pop against the glossy white body while the colored interior and handle add a bold contrast that feels cheerful and slightly wicked. 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Great for adding character to a cozy autumn kitchen, a Halloween brunch, or late-night pie debates by the fire.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eProduct Features\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMicrowave-safe ceramic for reheating coffee or cocoa\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDishwasher-safe glossy finish preserves vibrant printed artwork\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAvailable in 11 oz and 15 oz sizes with colored interior and handle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLead- and BPA-free white ceramic with eye-catching color contrast\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDurable, high-resolution print with bright, crisp colors\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCare Instructions\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eClean in dishwasher or wash by hand with warm water and dish soap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Completely Unnecessary Backstory\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor generations, young pumpkins were warned about The Pie Makers.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eParents told terrifying stories about giant creatures who appeared every autumn, cut pumpkins open, removed their insides, and eventually transformed some of them into dessert.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNaturally, the younger pumpkins thought it was nonsense.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Yeah, Grandpa. And I suppose they put whipped cream on us too.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen one October evening, everything changed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTwo pumpkins were sitting quietly when a pair of enormous hands appeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a knife.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a scoop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere were seeds everywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd somewhere between the first horrifying SCHLORP and the realization that nobody was coming to help...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eone pumpkin finally screamed:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\"THE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHistorians now refer to the incident as The Great Pumpkin Awakening.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHumans refer to it as Pumpkin Pie. 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And I suppose they put whipped cream on us too.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen one October evening, everything changed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTwo pumpkins were sitting quietly when a pair of enormous hands appeared.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a knife.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was a scoop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere were seeds everywhere.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd somewhere between the first horrifying SCHLORP and the realization that nobody was coming to help...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eone pumpkin finally screamed:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\"THE PIE STORIES ARE TRUE?!\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHistorians now refer to the incident as The Great Pumpkin Awakening.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHumans refer to it as Pumpkin Pie. 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